you know that thing we all do when we try to project to our readership and "fans," that we are the most successful photographer, like, ever? and where we refer to our businesses that are really only run by well, us, as in just one person, as "we?" like, "we are so glad you are considering yan photography." "we are so grateful to all of our beautiful 2011 clients," "we were nominated for this year's wedding wire (okay, not even going to go there...). but you know what i'm talking about right? well, i'm done. this is a one woman operation on up in here ( though uncle marty would like to be acknowledged for all of his behind the scenes contributions and mad second shooting skillz), and imma bout to own it.

its not that i don't want to sound fancy. and its not that i hate those of you out there who are doing exactly what i just described in the paragraph above. its just that i'm tired. i'm so so so so tired. i've always prided myself on being a real person, who engages in real conversation, with other similarly sincere people. and to tell you , to even imply, that i'm sitting pretty over here, raking it in with inquiries, and clients, and money money money, and all things related to success....

would be a

big

fat

lie.

because we, ahem, at yan photography are struggling. and we are waiting for our phone to ring, and we are doing everyhing we can think of to get our name out there in a new market and a new state, and we are still only averaging about one freaking inquiry a week. to which we promptly get the response that we are too expensive.

and you know what i want to tell people? that behind that we is a me. a woman. a mother of three, with a husband in grad school. pinching and compromising to make ends meet. who can't afford to put her daughters in dance, or piano lessons, or the gosh darn school play which cost $250 (WHAT THE CRAP, RIGHT?!!!). a me who's bills are piling up so high, she feels overwhelmed and tearful every second of every day.

i want to tell them that i've worked hard at this. that i'm good. that i'm different. that i see beauty in the mundane, and can distill delicacy from the clumsy movements of a toddler with the way i wield my lens. i want to yell, look at me! notice me! i'm here, and i'll be a crazy good time on your wedding day, not to mention provide you with pictures that will make you cry as they remind you over and over again, what is good and real and important in life.

sigh.

but i can't force anyone to hire me. try as i might, i can't put their-- or should i say, your, money in my pockets. i can't make you love my art. so i'm doing what i can. i'm creating. and i'm getting real. i'm stripping away all the pre-conceived notions of what success is and what it isn't. i can show you who i am, because i'm here at the bottom and i have nothing to lose. and really, that's what i should have been showing you all along.

oh yes, this is going to be a fun year.

and one last thing. a request really. if you've thought of hiring me but have been holding off. if you want to book a family session but you're in boise or utah, or somewhere other than Denver, Colorado (where i am right now in case you missed it). if you are getting married, and i'm your dream photographer (hahaha), but you just know i'm out of your budget.

please,

write me. you might be thinner in six months, but your kids are growing up NOW. we can set up dates and multiple sessions for a boise or utah trip in the srping. we can take a look at your wedding budget and see if its possible to work something out.

because i want to know you, and i want to work with you.

and because,

i'm desperate.

has any photographer written those words online, publicly? EVER? no? well, its true. i don't want to false advertise, i won't give away the farm just yet. and i'm not going to sell my soul or anything. but i'm at a point where i'm willing to do a 'lil bending and compromising. not too much, but a little. also, i'm good. really good. and you want to work with me too.

i think.

i hope.

yeah, you do.

are some of you thinking i'm commiting business suicide right now?

yes.

am i?

quite possibly. all i know for sure, though is that i'm getting real and i'm being honest.

so bring it on 2012, bring it on. and seriously?

call me.

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