"Laughter is the virus that infects us with humanity." - Luis Alberto Urrea

It’s your old pal yan, coming at you from the bottom of a "what is liiiiiiiife?" wail. And also? A wink and a smile. Let me tell you why.

I have spent the last two weeks photographing 10 families and teaching at two conferences in Nashville and Atlanta. I was in Nashville the night the tornado hit. The surreal warning sirens shook me out of sleep. We were safe, but whole neighborhoods were not.

When I was a child, I had migraines as early as age four. They usually came to wake me from my dreams. I would stay up all night howling, begging for the pain to leave me. No medicine helped. I never felt better until I vomited. As soon as I did, the pain that had felt like a million tiny knives in my left eye just minutes before, completely vanished. How could it disappear so fast like that? What's more, in its place, a highly pleasant, relaxation rushed in to take the pain's place, tingling all down my body. I always slept best and longest after a migraine.

I have long been interested in similar moments of transfiguration. Not the moment of forced optimism. Not the moment of emphasizing the light by pretending the dark does not exist. But the moment and place where the light and dark meet--where they nearly seem one and the same.

There is a holy, yet secular moment where what was pain, gives way to relief, where tears become laughter, where fear becomes courage.

With all the respect and radical compassion in my heart for whatever you may be feeling and experiencing, I want you to know I think the time we are living in has vast opportunity for transfigurative moments like these. Against our will, and much to our concern, we find the whole world swept in a pandemic forcing us to become slow, quiet and still. Are we brave enough to meet this moment with patience, creativity and profound attention? Are we bold enough to sense for how the light may greet the dark? Are we soft enough to be the light that may meet someone else's dark and provide relief?

In that spirit, as I sit contemplating what my own livelihood will now have in store--one based in travel and gatherings --as I both grieve and marvel at all of the new opportunities I can sense beginning to rise from the limits of our current atmosphere, I want to share with you 5 hard things I have witnessed in the last month traveling and working away from home and family, as well as 5 magnificently bright things. Lastly, I will leave you with 5 life affirming, "dark meeting light-esque," films you could watch as you self isolate in an effort to stop the continued spread.

I can totally envision you cuddling onto couches with your families, laughing, crying, and letting hope plant itself as a seed in your cracked open heart.

HARD

1. A devastating tornado in Nashville, Tennessee (yes I was there for it. I was safe, but the devastation was vast and 24 lives were lost)

2. A friend and client losing their father.

3. The rise and spread of Coronavirus creating nationwide cancellations of events, flights, schools (etc etc etc), including my own workshops and photo shoots, resulting in the loss of many, many dollars.

4. Photo sessions taking place in very dark conference rooms, and rainy locations. Me thinking, "oh crap, I shoot film, this is gonna be rough."

5. A final walk with a former lover, ending with two huge blisters on my feet, and a non linear grief I am just sick to death of feeling in my heart.

HARD MERGED WITH BRIGHT WHEN

1. The day following the tornado, I was able to attend a benefit honky tonk dance hall where various liberals and conservatives came together to 2 stepped it out on the dance floor in name of tornado relief.

2. Made grief into art as I got to photograph a friend's family, heard stories about their father, shared so many laughs, and yes, a few tears.

3. Stuck at a conference where it was too late to cancel, and getting one LAST (maybe for a long time) hit, of the electricity that comes with creative companionship. I leaned hard into the privilege it is to teach and cheer for and learn from a room full of diverse artists. I know that collective energy will nourish us all during self isolation. We cycled out, now we take a turn going in.

4. Without fail, staying in the low lit rooms I had to work with, and loving on the family in front of me, like the dark ain't no thang. Miraculously, EVERY.TIME. The clouds eventually parted, and astonishing golden light poured in for at least a handful of images.

5. Sobbing on my final airplane home, releasing grief after long weeks of travel. I was sitting there with a hat pulled down to cover my eyes, when the passenger next to me, reached over with sudden tenderness to pull out my tray table for me. I cursed and laughed at my blisters both real and metaphorical. Then I wrote a poem and thanked my former lover, now friend for being my muse. For giving me the opportunity to transfigure one of creativity's greatest functions.

I tell you these things not so you feel sorry for me, but to help illustrate that this reality: life is usually really terrible and really wonderful at the DAMN same time. Within the definition of light there should always be room left for dark. The fastest route to suffering is hunting for the path upon, which there is no pain. Pain can be a portal to light, but only if you honor it for what it is:

UNCOMFORTABLE.

That's ok. Your soul is getting so sexy as you say yes to growing bigger to hold it. You could try to exile your fear, but in doing so, you might lose your compassion as well. So why not instead, exile your interpretation of fear as being a bad thing. Don't get rid of it. Dance with it. Dance with me. We are sure to fall. But we will try to lift each other back up when we do.

5 LIFE AFFIRMING TRANSFIGURATIVE FILMS

1. HAROLD AND MAUDE - A boy obsessed with death learns from an 80 year old mentor and friend how to finally live.

2. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL - Set during World War 2, a story about the necessity of unnecessary things to retain our humanity

3. KUBO AND THE TWO STRINGS - "His compassion taught me mine," an animated epic story that emphasizes creativity, bravery, and the importance of the flaws in our human nature.

4. DICKINSON - A series on Apple TV that reimagines the life of poet Emily Dickinson, and reminds us how often great artists have to forge ahead despite being cast as well, weirdos.

5. INFINITELY POLAR BEAR/THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS - Two different movies of two single dads. Mark Ruffalo. Will Smith. It’s possible I'm including this as a final option as an attempt to manifest a partner for myself. I can neither confirm nor deny.

All the love in the dark light universe,

Yan