Gray Benko - South Carolina
A TORNADO, A PANDEMIC, DIRTY AIRPLANES, OH MY!
"Laughter is the virus that infects us with humanity." - Luis Alberto Urrea
photo via @asliceofhistory
It’s your old pal yan, coming at you from the bottom of a "what is liiiiiiiife?" wail. And also? A wink and a smile. Let me tell you why.
I have spent the last two weeks photographing 10 families and teaching at two conferences in Nashville and Atlanta. I was in Nashville the night the tornado hit. The surreal warning sirens shook me out of sleep. We were safe, but whole neighborhoods were not.
When I was a child, I had migraines as early as age four. They usually came to wake me from my dreams. I would stay up all night howling, begging for the pain to leave me. No medicine helped. I never felt better until I vomited. As soon as I did, the pain that had felt like a million tiny knives in my left eye just minutes before, completely vanished. How could it disappear so fast like that? What's more, in its place, a highly pleasant, relaxation rushed in to take the pain's place, tingling all down my body. I always slept best and longest after a migraine.
I have long been interested in similar moments of transfiguration. Not the moment of forced optimism. Not the moment of emphasizing the light by pretending the dark does not exist. But the moment and place where the light and dark meet--where they nearly seem one and the same.
There is a holy, yet secular moment where what was pain, gives way to relief, where tears become laughter, where fear becomes courage.
With all the respect and radical compassion in my heart for whatever you may be feeling and experiencing, I want you to know I think the time we are living in has vast opportunity for transfigurative moments like these. Against our will, and much to our concern, we find the whole world swept in a pandemic forcing us to become slow, quiet and still. Are we brave enough to meet this moment with patience, creativity and profound attention? Are we bold enough to sense for how the light may greet the dark? Are we soft enough to be the light that may meet someone else's dark and provide relief?
In that spirit, as I sit contemplating what my own livelihood will now have in store--one based in travel and gatherings --as I both grieve and marvel at all of the new opportunities I can sense beginning to rise from the limits of our current atmosphere, I want to share with you 5 hard things I have witnessed in the last month traveling and working away from home and family, as well as 5 magnificently bright things. Lastly, I will leave you with 5 life affirming, "dark meeting light-esque," films you could watch as you self isolate in an effort to stop the continued spread.
I can totally envision you cuddling onto couches with your families, laughing, crying, and letting hope plant itself as a seed in your cracked open heart.
HARD
1. A devastating tornado in Nashville, Tennessee (yes I was there for it. I was safe, but the devastation was vast and 24 lives were lost)
2. A friend and client losing their father.
3. The rise and spread of Coronavirus creating nationwide cancellations of events, flights, schools (etc etc etc), including my own workshops and photo shoots, resulting in the loss of many, many dollars.
4. Photo sessions taking place in very dark conference rooms, and rainy locations. Me thinking, "oh crap, I shoot film, this is gonna be rough."
5. A final walk with a former lover, ending with two huge blisters on my feet, and a non linear grief I am just sick to death of feeling in my heart.
HARD MERGED WITH BRIGHT WHEN
1. The day following the tornado, I was able to attend a benefit honky tonk dance hall where various liberals and conservatives came together to 2 stepped it out on the dance floor in name of tornado relief.
2. Made grief into art as I got to photograph a friend's family, heard stories about their father, shared so many laughs, and yes, a few tears.
3. Stuck at a conference where it was too late to cancel, and getting one LAST (maybe for a long time) hit, of the electricity that comes with creative companionship. I leaned hard into the privilege it is to teach and cheer for and learn from a room full of diverse artists. I know that collective energy will nourish us all during self isolation. We cycled out, now we take a turn going in.
4. Without fail, staying in the low lit rooms I had to work with, and loving on the family in front of me, like the dark ain't no thang. Miraculously, EVERY.TIME. The clouds eventually parted, and astonishing golden light poured in for at least a handful of images.
5. Sobbing on my final airplane home, releasing grief after long weeks of travel. I was sitting there with a hat pulled down to cover my eyes, when the passenger next to me, reached over with sudden tenderness to pull out my tray table for me. I cursed and laughed at my blisters both real and metaphorical. Then I wrote a poem and thanked my former lover, now friend for being my muse. For giving me the opportunity to transfigure one of creativity's greatest functions.
I tell you these things not so you feel sorry for me, but to help illustrate that this reality: life is usually really terrible and really wonderful at the DAMN same time. Within the definition of light there should always be room left for dark. The fastest route to suffering is hunting for the path upon, which there is no pain. Pain can be a portal to light, but only if you honor it for what it is:
UNCOMFORTABLE.
That's ok. Your soul is getting so sexy as you say yes to growing bigger to hold it. You could try to exile your fear, but in doing so, you might lose your compassion as well. So why not instead, exile your interpretation of fear as being a bad thing. Don't get rid of it. Dance with it. Dance with me. We are sure to fall. But we will try to lift each other back up when we do.
5 LIFE AFFIRMING TRANSFIGURATIVE FILMS
1. HAROLD AND MAUDE - A boy obsessed with death learns from an 80 year old mentor and friend how to finally live.
2. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL - Set during World War 2, a story about the necessity of unnecessary things to retain our humanity
3. KUBO AND THE TWO STRINGS - "His compassion taught me mine," an animated epic story that emphasizes creativity, bravery, and the importance of the flaws in our human nature.
4. DICKINSON - A series on Apple TV that reimagines the life of poet Emily Dickinson, and reminds us how often great artists have to forge ahead despite being cast as well, weirdos.
5. INFINITELY POLAR BEAR/THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS - Two different movies of two single dads. Mark Ruffalo. Will Smith. It’s possible I'm including this as a final option as an attempt to manifest a partner for myself. I can neither confirm nor deny.
All the love in the dark light universe,
Yan
YAN FAM WAY Workshops 2016
Its the end of another week of shooting, my head is pounding, my throat is as scratchy as the dying leaves outside and my feet are about to freeze right the crap off. the tears in my eyes aren't from any of that. they are an odd, watery recipe of shock, gratitude, and hope. my life is good.
really good.
and i'll tell you why. although this will be a long flight home from new york city to SLC, the bottom of my stomach is tingling with the half nervous thrill that tomorrow i'll be on yet another plane. this time to india. and this time, (here comes the part i'm most excited about) with my oldest daughter myra. its the last bursting finale to a grueling and incredible year of work and travel and finally, FINALLY!! i'll be able to share some of the world with my children---its been a goal of mine for such a long time. and this is just the beginning.
in 2015 I held 12 YanFamWay workshops in the US, Europe, and Australia, which created over 115 new alumni to add to the talented pool of photographers I have had the honor to teach. i am humbled in so many ways by your desire to learn with me--and let's be real, a tooooouch guilty feeling since i'm the one doing most of the learning and its from each of you! Along the journey of these workshops I also got to meet some super rad families (over 30) that entrusted me with documenting their life, love and connection as a family. as a photographer and teacher, nothing humbles me more.
Sometimes (read: all the time) I can't believe I get to do this for a living but am obviously glad that I do. There are days when I'm bone tired and that voice in my heads says "knock it off. who are you to buzz around like this thinking you can promise to help, document and teach people." the truth is i might not be anybody. Just a girl, who says, i have some ideas and i really want to try.... And then, by some miracle, I hear or see something from a client or student that reminds me that maybe I'm doing something right. Oddly enough, I even hear chatter out on the web that you aren't sick of me yet--- So I listened to my heart and rolled out a schedule of 2016 YanFamWay workshop dates last week. What? You didn't see the sweet little video I made for myself (I mean you guys) out on Instagram? Well don't look right now, but don't miss it.
So in case you really did miss it and were doing something way more important than scanning social media - I announced the following 2016 dates and locations (so far) with a few new ones added to this post:
Bellingham, WA - March 8 - GETTING FULL
Melbourne - April 25 - SOLD OUT
Byron Bay, AUS - April 21 (NEW - not to be confused with the Alumni 2.0 workshop) - GETTING FULL
Auckland, New Zealand - April 29 (NEW)
Nashville, TN - June 2 - GETTING FULL
Portland, ME - Special 2 day version - June 28-29 (*details below about how this one will differ) SOLD OUT
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia - July 17
Indianapolis, IN - October 4 (NEW)
Cincinnati, OH - October 6 (Date UPDATED)
I am exploring Canadian locations tentatively for Fall 2016. See note below about how you can help make that happen.
Those links take you to the payment full option. Need a bit more flexibility in your payments? you can pay in 2 installments - 50% to reserve your spot and the other 50% is due within 5 weeks of the workshop (the Maine workshop can be paid in 3 payments)
Don't see your city (province) or one near by listed? Don't cry...if you recruit at least 5 people to participate in a workshop, I'll come to you. Just send me a message here and we'll talk details.
Do you still need convincing? Why not read what some pretty amazing people said about their YFW experience. I swear they weren't even coerced to say these things. And here you can read more about the workshop and some FAQs...even that really awkward one we all wonder but are afraid to ask, "can i get my money back?"
Interested in a family session? I will be accepting a limited number of sessions at each workshop location. Send an email here and either my assistant, Lisa, or I will get back to you about availability for that location. Click here for cost. Family sessions can also be paid in 2 payments (50/50). Send and email me for more details.
ALUMNI Dates: (these events are for alumni who have already participated in the original YanFamWay 2.0 workshop. A few spots remain for Maui & MARFA
Canon Beach, OR - March 10-13 - SOLD OUT
Byron Bay, Australia – April 18-21 - SOLD OUT
Pay a Deposit for an Alumni event HERE